Dear Mom,

It has been already more than one month I have been suffering badly from cold. In Nepal we used to have time for health and relaxation despite any hectic hours. I have been boiling the dried tulsi leaves that you have packed for me but last time I found only a few left. I could not mutilate them as I wanted to keep some in your remembrance. I felt I had not been so cold all these years of my life which happened now in a foreign land. I felt that my nation was a wonderland that would suit people of all kind and any places under one roof. When whether changes to a hell like winter, here many inhabitants migrate to their new homes or to their relatives. Restaurants close up. I have been engaging in sweeping cold snow on the roadways because I have to wait until restaurant start up again. The hands have been swollen and frozen. This place has been so lonesome for me to live in.

Coming to this place, I have been habituated to imitate this white paper as you and the letters I spelled here on it is I myself, explaining everything sitting in front of you. I don't want you know the tears I shed in this unknown place, not let you know how sleepless I have been. I know for sure you won’t stop your tears seeing these fragile, lifeless hands of mine. So, I won’t confront you but just say I am so much fine. At this early, I feel I cannot stand up with stamina in my body and feel my back and shoulder are aching all the time. Mom, every health services is so expensive for outsider here. Also, it’s not like in Nepal. No paracetamols are given without following prescriptions. Moreover, every illness and medication we do here is recorded via electronic method that makes us difficult to meet good health criteria in a job. No thing can be concealed here. In this just we can do is to pray God for good health. When people in my work chide me, I felt that i am being paid for the words i have harshly spoken to you some day in the past. And when i got hungry and had no time for food, i feel for now that i would even eat the worst food cooked by you with no complain at all. I feel bad that i had commented and discarded food back in those days. Last time after work when I was getting for room, I got dehydrated. Just then I entered a park. I fainted there. A native person made me guzzle beer through my throat to bring me back to consciousness. He said I was asking for water and he had no options than quenching my thirst with beer in his hand. I did not get rid off awkwardness in my mouth for several days and from that day onward I have taken care about having water bottle along with me wherever I go. This place is so unusual. I don't mean to say bad but it is a very different place from where I came from. You know mom back in our country we recognized people dressed ragged as beggars but here it is hard to know the personality of a person as all are dressed well. Many a times I got looted at station whoever came to speak kindly and looked well in dress up. An uncle nearby my workplace tried to offer me lift in his cab after finding mine and his destination to be same. Upon denial he rode after me gently, tried to follow until I ran away to hid myself in a lane. Afterward Marie told me that these kinds of people are seducer. Anyway I forgot to introduce you to Marie. She is a beautiful 30 year old Thai woman who had come here for study but she had various difficulties to endeavor in a foreign land. Meanwhile a 65 year old citizen for whom she was working for offered her marriage with him. She accepted as she had been familiar with him and she had to made way out of all the circumstances she was having that moment. She complained me last time that he said that she should not think about home and family and send money and accessories as one had to make own life oneself. Marie said that she could not desert her family and leave them helpless as they were getting old. Bind with our responsibilities, we believe in family values and togetherness but people here hardly believe in these. When I left that place I still remember you had told that it was all for my family sake. A four year old kid who is fledgling in his career and my husband who is unambitious, I am here to bear responsibilities for them. But here, when things do not go well spouse part away leaving child in foster care. It is your love for me that keep on inspiring me and it is again love of mine to my kid that won’t let me wane. Even in the pain and aches I feel for body and soul, I think i will endure thinking about loves for my ones. Sometimes I feel we are the only people to be born with responsibility and bear it until death won’t part us away. And sometimes I feel the way we caress our own is the most extraordinary side of ours which is nowhere in any core of this world.

Mom, you know how much I love plants. You must be happy to know that I still keep this side alive in me. In my room are old plastic bottles and molluscan shells I collected from seashore and here I have many succulents planted. Every time when I see them flourishing, I feel my hopes are also burgeoning that I will strive no matter what. It took many months to know rules of this place. Last time i intended to help a lost kitten in the mall. Lost in the crowd, it looked aghast. I waited a long for its owner and fed it tetra pack milk in between. I expected gratitude on their arrival instead they doubted on me and made me wait until they assured its health medically. Even love and care we want to offer are bound within a law. Amazing Not? I still confuse myself about putting wastes at their placement and more than twice I had been charged of mingling wastes. It also feels good that bound with so much rules and regulations our cautious side is always awaken knocking our conscience and telling us every time not to err even by mistake. Perhaps it was a part put aside with ignorance and negligence back in own country.

Mom, I am so exhausted for this day. I will keep on sharing my disappointment with you again in next page though it is the only the smiling and shining part I tell and share with you in real.

Loving you!

Yours daughter.

Dementia

I caught the bus from koteshwor after completing my duty. The month was of December. I felt my cold nose because of cold air that was brought along by accelerated vehicle.  I tied my hair and bound the swarl around my head and cold nose. Meanwhile I felt comfortable by warmth of the sun on my head and felt asleep in no time. I was unaware of the time the bus had run until the conductor poke to wake me up. “Ma’am, where are you climbing down? Please, make your fees?” I was awaken but I felt I was on bed, unwilling to reply and go back to sleep. The conductor repeated his word again. With uneasiness, I rubbed off sleep from my eyes and tended to give fees with my hands forwarding to him. Again he asked “Ma’am, where have you climbed from?” I felt lost and unable to answer. I tried hard but could not remember the bus stop I caught the bus from. The conductor in want of reply was still repeating his words. Meanwhile I felt the crowd behind me was muttering and making laugh on me. Not confronting the crowd that was making fun of my forgetfulness I climbed down the bus near Gausala. By the time I climbed down I remained thankful to the swarl that was still concealing my image behind it. 
There i was in front of Pashupati Bridhashram. I could never confront this place for several years but these days I have been so much habituated to this place and elderly people living here. My kids have been young today who were in lower kinder garden during the demise of mom. Just today, I felt that I was getting weak in my mindset that I forgot my station I caught bus from to reply to an ordinary conductor. Am I following the tract my mom had gone several years back. I felt embarrassed for a whilst. The day was fifteenth of asar when all my colleagues from workplace had decided to feed Dahi Chiura to the elderly people living in Pashupati Briddhashram. I remember those days then. My decision to let her to be in old age home was the hardest for me at that time. I kept on promising every day that I would take her with me and told her to wait. The poor mom might wait when she was alright and fine in her mindset but she even forgot my name and the promise I had made to her when she went in dementia. Sometimes I used to feel it was okay that she forgot me and promise I made to her which I could rarely fulfill though she had survived all these years. But at that time I used to feel how my heart shredded to pieces when she could not remember the only child she had given birth to. 
Everything was going alright.  I was in 28^th of my life. I had never made up in my mind about getting married. I would still let the things it was going. Perhaps if she had also let the things it was at that time, I could have still remained with her in every circumstances that was near to happen. My mom alone got through all the situations in bringing me up. I never saw how my father looked like. Being an uneducated she made all the way that I could complete my higher secondary study. What more was to say than that? Life was getting easier than earlier as I was involving actively to run our lives smoothly but then she urged me to get married. No sooner I got married, became mother of my two daughters. My husband was also getting promoted in his job. My in laws were happy and contented. I could not make account of happiness I was having in my life that moment but was terror equally inside about all those goodness piling one upon another. Was there any disastrous or bad luck about to commence, I remained in suspicion for I could never accept good things happening all around at once. With all going alright I wanted to keep my mother along with me. Just one day a phone that I got at my school made me feel the earth I stood on stamped underneath. In no time I was in the hospital. Seeing mom in the most pathetic condition, I cried all my tears out. It was many days she had not eaten, was confused and slept for hours and hours. The doctor diagnosed dementia which had early onset in her middle adulthood and was advancing to severity. I could not remember apparently but people used to say that she was mentally distressed after my cousins made us deprived of father’s property. At home I was never accepted as grandchild as marriage of my parents was never approved marriage by grandparents. People said that this affected like nothing to my mom. I could merely notice in her behavior those days like she complained of headache most of time, often forgot her belongings, confuse herself with places and ways she had been once familiar. She even forgot debts and appeared weak in her dealings. I hardly believe her and took all dealings under my responsibility. I had to speak single words many times as she could not collaborate between her hearing and understanding vividly. Sometimes together we used to laugh at this but when I went off in mood I used to chide and warn her to be careful with the words. When I realized that day that it was consequences of some medical condition she was passing through, I felt even more pity for her and frustrated in my mind. 
She remained with me that day onward until she escaped one day. It was difficult to deal with her as she forgot people most of the times and spoke out things that gave no meaning and beyond the grasp of one's understanding. Three days later we found her with a beggar sharing leftovers street food. She hardly remembered me that day also. I kept on yelling at top of my voice; "I am Radhika. Yours daughter. Please remember me” After this incident my in laws discarded of her stay with me and told me to keep her in age care centers under supervision and care. I always used to think about reasons people deserting their parents in age care. For some it was because of lack of time, distances or adjustment problems with others in a family. In my case, it happened because I was a woman, married in addition and had responsibilty of my children and family which was much bigger than caring a demented mother as per perspective of my in laws. She was unaware that we had brought her to an unusual place but she was denying to leave my hand. With tears floating in my eyes that was blurring my vision, I unfasten her hand and spoke ‘ Mom, you have to stay here for several days until I made your old age citizenship card for pension. I have to travel several days to our hometown. Will you remain patiently till then?” She spoke nothing but people said that she cried the whole day she knew she was brought to old age home. Upon request, she was cared about fooding and medications for several days during her adjustments. People even said she remained quite for most of the hours but when she was aware to her conscience she talked only about me. She even said that one day I would take her away with me. She used to wait me in the entrance for the chicken curry and rice I used to bring her every Saturday. She would snatch away bag and used to tell me infuriated that I was late for that day. I used to gaze at her eating restlessly. When I didn’t used to find her in the gate some of the Saturdays, I used to confirm myself that she might be sleeping or forgotten that it was Saturday. She used to keep eatables that kids liked that she used to get from donors. As she was aware of her forgetfulness, she had even told another women in her compartment to remind her or to give those eatables  to kids. Really it is only a heart of mother that knows love, treasures love and my mom did that in little bit of conscience she was left with. Alas! "I roll up in tears recalling this". She stayed for three years and until then I had no count of how restive I went waiting for every Saturday. 
Elderly were free to come in and out of Pashupati Briddhashram. There were no separate compartments for people with various physical and mental disabilities. Compartments were separated gender wise only and care of disables was done by caretaker. Again one day missing news of mom from the old age stressed me nothing like everything. I could not put off my hope as we found her earlier after three days of missing. Mom had never been outside in that time long but one elderly woman insisted her for getting out to sell things granted by donors in order to make money. She also could not make account of where she went and for what time being they were together. I went to every street beggars on the pedestrian to find if i would find her again eating wastes like earlier. All attempts went in vain. I didn’t return home for several days. I was anxious thinking how hungry she had become, whether or not she knew even once that she was lost and needed to return back. Four days later we came to know about death of mom in road accident near Soyambhu via registered missing complain. I can't accept even today that she had the worst death; disfigured face hard to recognize and  bloody and filthy appearance all over her body. That incident got imprinted so hard in my memory that it took several years to cast aside this nightmare like memory. But I feel for now that I overcame all the pains I endured that moment. Just one thing that remained till this date is the guilt that I could only leave her alone in her circumstances and her endurance for it. Those days and today also girls get close to every opportunity; they study, engage in outdoor jobs but after getting married we still get to see that situations or people compel them for a limited boundaries in their life with limited people encircled around them. May she not be confined to share love and concerns she feels she is privileged to share with. And may she not be again left with choice of choosing between two life or people and love for her ones that has no measure! Moreover, demented people also need our love and concerns. These days it has not been necessity to wait for older age to see people going demented. As life is full of desires, hopes, frustration, impatience and a complete race for more this onset is in early 40's these days.The love that we shower to these people should be hope and inspiration to fight dementia and sustain in their life in days to come. 
Today when I see these elderly people gobbling food with so much cheerfulness, I feel I am paving way out of this grief and guilt I feel for my mom. I feel i will relate my happiness with theirs' like this forever. "Whether or not you remembered me in your last breath "Mom" but I as a loving but a compelled daughter under own will always remember you until my last breath".

Nutritional and Social Aspects of elderly people living in old age homes of Kathmandu

Ageing population is expanding through-out the globe with estimates that people age over 60 years and older constitute 12% of global population. The proportion of this age group is expected to double (22%) by 2050. In Nepal, individuals over 60 years of age are considered elderly. According to the 2011 census of Nepal, there were 2.1 million elderly inhabitants, which constitute 8.1 percent of the total population in the country. Percent of elderly inhabitants during the years 1951, 1991, 2001, and in 2011 are 5.0%, 5.8%, 6.5% and 8.1% respectively which shows that there has been a sharp increase in the number of elderly persons between 2001 and 2011. The current statistics for the elderly in Nepal shows chances for a new set of medical, social, and economic problems that could arise if a timely initiative in this direction is not taken by the policy makers. There is urgent necessity to highlight the problems that are being faced by the elderly people and explored the ideas for bringing about an improvement in their quality of life. The study performed by Geeta Karki in 2017 in old age homes of Kathmandu, presented the nutritional status of elderly population and factors associated with the nutritional status in old age homes of Kathmandu Metropolitan city, Kathmandu. A cross sectional study was conducted in which a total of 141 senior citizens (60 years and above) of both sexes living at seven old age homes of Kathmandu were assessed for their nutritional status using Short Form Mini Nutritional Assessment (MNA-SF) tool.

MNA is a validated tool used in institutionalized and hospitalized patients or elder people to assess their nutritional status. It comprises of six questions; food intake, involuntary weight loss, mobilty, psychological stress or acute disease and Body Mass Index (BMI)/calf circumference(CC). Scores are made variously seeing the severity or optimum nutritional status and are categorized as malnourished (<7 points), risk of malnutrition (11 points or lesser) and normal (12 points or greater).

34% (48) of participants were normal, 12.1% (17) were malnourished and 53.9% (76) were found to be at risk of malnutrition. Prevalence of malnutrition was higher in the age group of 77 and above than age group of 60-77. The risk of malnutrition was more than half in age group of 60-77. Female elderly were comparatively more malnourished in comparison to male elderly and the risk of malnutrition was also high in female elderly. The study showed that ethnicity was directly associated with the nutritional status of people in old age homes as Brahmin/Chhetri were malnourished in greater number than any other ethnic group. Old age homes are also the religious places with the Hindu people especially Brahmin and Chhetri living in a large number. Bound with the spiritual and religious beliefs many were found to restrict meat, skip evening meals and deprived themselves from their morning sleep for their prayers and religious activities. This might be reason that malnutrition was prevalent in them. Percentage wise distribution showed that the illiterate people were found more malnourished in comparison to literate one. Risk of malnutrition was also seen in higher proportion in illiterate elderly. Likewise participants who spent lesser than six hours in sitting position were comparatively less malnourished in comparison to those who spent more than six hours in sitting position. It was found that malnutrition was dominant in elderly who had neck or back problem followed by respiratory problem, diabetes, gastritis, depression and hypertension respectively. Similarly, the risk of malnutrition was remarkable in the elderly having depression. It was found that those who had greater than twenty number of teeth were comparatively less malnourished to those who had twenty or lesser than twenty number of teeth. The percentage of malnourished elderly from government institutions outnumbered the percentage of malnourished elderly people who were from private institutions. More than half of total percentage of participants living in government old age homes and half of total participants from private old age homes were at risk of malnutrition. It was found that those who slept for lesser than 7 hours were more malnourished in comparison to those who slept for more than or equal to seven hours. Those who took 4 and more than 4 types of medicines were malnourished in greater percentage than those who took 3 or less than 3 drugs. Those who were on prescribed medication category of (0-3) were on greater risk of malnutrition. The percentage of disable participants who were malnourished exceeded the percentage of able participants who were malnourished. The study showed that majority of people who took complete meals for only once were malnourished in comparison to those who took meals twice in a day. According to the guidance by MNA a complete meals consisted more than two items to eat at a time. Lesser number of meals might make a person deprived of sufficient energy that he might need for his age and health status. Taking lesser number of meals was directly associated with nutritional status of elderly people in the study.

Pashupati Bridhashram was the first old age home I visited. It had large accommodation separately for males and females. I came to know background, living status and nutritional status of people living there. Many elderly people stated the reason for coming to the old age homes. Many women were widow. Some deserted home because of polygamy. Sita Adhikhari said that her husband deserted her because her speech was slurry and thereby disliked her. She had multiple diseases like high blood pressure, asthmas, gastritis and also arthritis. Bhagwati Dhakal, another active respondent had just recovered from illness and was complaining of half cooked rotis served there that day. The day was Ekadashi when many elderly women were on fasting. The facility of toilet was far from residence. One of the respondent said that she couldn’t control her continence for more than five minutes. Other said that she used to avoid meals in the evening because of difficulty of toileting. The provision of meat and eggs was cut off after the earthquake that occurred in 2072. This provision was almost same in most of the old age homes I visited. Sita Karki said that she along with others bought cooked meat and eggs from outside. The provision of fruits and milk was well made in the institution by donors from various places. People frequently smoked there and the health of non smokers was also largely affected as they had to adjust in one large accommodation. The provision of care from care takers was given only to the disabled people. The normal elderly had to do all their activities by themselves. When they were ill, they said that they took care of each other. On the second day I met Chetnath Pokhrel. He was from Okhaldhunga. He said that he had been living in India since his childhood, had been married there but had no children. He said that he returned after his wife died there. He was ill at the time of assessment. I measured his calf circumference and had hardly achieved at around twenty-five. This was the most vulnerable condition I observed in Pashupati. The care taker said that it was hard to manage sanitation for all compartments due to large habitations. After this, I visited Nishaya Sewa Sadan, Aamako Ghar, Mtatirtha, Tapasthali and Divine Home and Hope Hermitage. Nishaya Sewa Sadan was excellent in providing services to the elderly. Fooding, lodging, caring were best to feel by anyone there. Tapasthali supported the countryside lifestyle for elderly living there. There was enough land to grow maize, pumpkin tendrils, chilies and also several cows were reared there. Many elderly said that they actively participated in the kitchen gardening there. There was one caretaker and one male member in the name of gothala. In Divine Home one elder woman named Ambika said that she lost six children after every birth. She became victim of depression in early age and came to reside there after she lost her husband also. Manamaya Neupane from Pashupati Bridhashram said that her daughter loved her a lot and wanted her to be with her after second marriage by her father. But her in laws forwarded a choice between them and her mother. The daughter was compelled to leave her there. She said that she cried the whole day she came there. I somehow concluded that daughters took better care of their parents than a son did. I saw them taking time from their schedule to visit their parents with eatables they liked along with their children. I saw that the affection and caress from a daughter was a big hope for many elderly women living there. The head of Matatirtha old age home said that the food for elderly was collected via “Muthi Daan” where people from community of Patan and Kalanki gave a palmful of cereals and veggies to feed the people. The Hope Hermitage located at Lazimpat was mainly targeted for senior citizens and also had adjustments for dementia and Alzeimer patients. There was a couple living there who came because their home was devastated in earthquake. The other women named Krishna Shrestha came to take care of her paralysed husband. She had six children who were all settled in aboard and there were none for taking care of them. It was hard for her to take care of her husband who was so much restless and violent. She said that the condition wouldn’t had been the same if she had been in her husband’s place. She even said that women were thus for enduring any grief and getting accustomed to any situation of life.

Every elderly had various reasons behind leaving homes and residing in old age homes. Some complained of polygamy, many spoke of mistreatment by family, a few told of medical complication and many told of loneliness. People going for aboard in hope of better life could only leave their parents in old age homes. I wondered whether or not they knew about grief their parents were living with or they might be unaware of these because they were lost in their own. Reasons might be many and compulsion might vary from people to people, these wouldn't matter so big if these institutions worked hard to meet the purposes they had set for these homeless and lonely elderly. This could turn the happiest place for them to live for rest of their lives despite thousands of sorrows and compulsion they came there because of.

Old age homes and age care centers are the one to create employment opportunities for thousands of people in aboard. When people get old and fragile to earn life, government take total responsibility of those citizens and create large manpower for their services in this sector. Because of declining fertility rate and increasing life expectancy, the elderly population is on rise in Nepal. This will definitely put burden to economy of the country because of higher dependency rate and demand for better health services.  So, the government should timely sort out problems of elderly and provide better services by creating manpower in this sector. I drew some important recommendations as per my conclusion in my research. I suggested frequent monitoring of health and nutrition by professionals. It should then intervene to treat malnourished by appropriate diet enhancement and weight monitoring as well as treat and manage co-morbidities side by side.

दोस्रो उडान

किरिङ्ग....... किरिङ्ग....... फोनमा बजेका आलारामको कर्कश ध्वनीले सायराको निन्द्रा भंग गर्‍यो, सिरानी छेउमै एकोहोरो बजेको फोनको बटम दबाइ बल्ल शान्त भयो ठाँडो । यसो समय नियाली मोबाईलमा देखियो ५:०० AM। फोनमा किन आलाराम लगाएको थिएँ सोच्दा सोच्दै फोनमा घण्टी बज्यो, रमेश अङ्कलको रैछ । फोनबाट आवाज आयो “तयार होऊ, हामी लामडाँडा आइसक्यौ ।” अनि एक पछि अर्को गर्दै सबै हिजो रातिका झझल्काहरु दिमागमा छरिन थाले । आमा, दिदी एकातिर हुन्न भन्ने बुवा र दाइ उनीहरुको विरोधमा बोल्ने । फुपु दिदी मेरा अघि नकराओ भन्दै झिझो मान्ने । एक भाउजु थिइन जो शान्त भइ यी सब कुराहरु सुनिरहन्थिन। आमाले भनेथे “केही समय कुरौ । पहिले पनि घर बिग्रिएकि छोरी । यस्तो समय उसलाई नर्क जस्तो जिन्दगिबाट निकाल्न कति सास्ती खेप्नु पर्‍यो । सोचेका छौ ? अब त केटो राजकुमार नै किन नआओस, केरकार नगरी र साँक्षी नराखी त छोरी दिनेनै हाइने ।” बुवा र जेठी दिदी एकमुख लागे, “केटो पढेलेखेको छ, ज्ञानी पनि, सम्पतिमा सम्पति छ, अझ कुमार केटो भइकन सायराको जीवन सर्पान कै लागि उ संगै भए मात्रै बिहे गर्छु भन्दै छ । यो त पुण्य हो, सायरा माथि ठूलो कल्याण हो । किन बुझ्दैनौ तिमीहरु ?” कति कति खेर होसियारी गराउँदै बुवाले भने, ”अलिक दिनका लागि म पनि काठमाण्डौं जान्छु, दाइ जागिरमा । घरमा तिमीहरु महिलाहरु मात्र, फेरी डिभोर्स भएर के हुन्छ र । गाँउ भरि त्यही घर बाटै गुण्डा लगाएर अपहरण गर्छु भन्ने किसिमका हल्ला गर्दै हिड्छ रे । घर र सबैको सुरक्षा बारे पनि त सोच्नुपर्छ । फेरी जति नै बुझे नि कुरा केटा केटीको हो र उनीहरु राजी खुशी छन, हामीले हस्तक्षेप गरेर हुन्न । यही केटो नभए अर्को आए नि अधबैसे, छोराछोरीको बाउ त आउला यसलाई ।” ठूलो बुवाले यति भनिसक्दा ढोका छेउमै उभिएकी सायराको बत्तीको टकमा टिलपिल टल्किएका आँखाहरु देखिए । दुई मत हुँदाहुदै आमा र दिदी एकातिर लाग्छन । आमा त ढोका बाट निक्लिदा पनि मेरी छोरीलाइै कसैले कान नभरिदेओ भन्दै निस्किइन । ठूलो बुवा र दाइले कोइ नभए हाम्रो साथ छ । “ तँ जा । आफ्नो सुरक्षाका लागि जा । अब जिन्दगी बनाउने जिम्मा आफ्नै हो । तेरा एउटा गल्तीलाई हामीले मौका दिइसक्यौ अब अर्को गल्तीका लागि हामी जिम्मेवार रहन्नौ । सजग रहनू ।” यति भनेर बुवा र दाइ नि हिडे । सायरा त्यहीँ अगेनाको बलिरहेको कोइला हेर्दै कति खेर निदाइ पत्तै पाइन । हिजो रातिका स्मृति सङ्घेल्दै गरेकी सायरालाई फेरी दोस्रो फोनको घण्टीले झक्झकायो । फोनमा रमेश अङ्कलले “ हामी माथि रोडमा गाडी रोकेर बसेका छौ । छिटो गर ।” भन्दै फोन काटे । धारा माथि सुकाउन राखेको एक जोडी कुर्ता सुरुवाल थ्यो । त्यो लगाई धारामा हात मुख धोइ, सायरा निस्कि । आमा माथि गोठमा थिइन र भाउजु खोले पकाउदै । अरु सबै मस्त निन्द्रामा थिए । हातमा केही लत्ताकपडा नबोकी, कसैलाई नउठाई सायरा अघि बढी , त्यही ठाउँ जहाँ रमेश अङ्कलले आउन भनेका थिए । उसका हातपाउ डरले अघि सर्न लर्बराइरहेका थिए र मनले भने आफैलाई दोषी मानिरहेको थियो । आफ्नै घरमा केही बिराएर हिडे जस्तो, कसैलाई गलत गरेर अपराधी जस्तै मुख लुकाएर हिडे जस्तो ।

दुई वर्ष अघि पनि ऊ यसरी नै यस घरबाट हिडेकी थिई तर त्यो समय त्यसरी हिड्दा के के नै होला भन्ने थियो, मनमा उत्तेजना थियो । तर यस समयमा मनमा डरले डेरा जमाएको थियो । दुई वर्ष पछि उसले फेरी त्यसरी नै हिड्ने निर्णय गरेकी थिइ जसमा थोरैको मौन सहमति थियो र धेरैको असहमति । तर यस पटक उसलाई असहमतिले धेरै फरक परेको थियो । सायद दुई वर्ष अघिकी सायरा भएकी भए, यहीँ असहमतिले पनि उसलाई कुनै असर गर्दैन्थ्यो होला । उसको मनमा दुविधा थियो कि त्यसरी हिड्दा पहिल्यै जस्तो घरपरिवारले कङ्कलो गर्दै हिड्लान कि राति कुरो चलेकै थियो, हिडिछ भन्दा हुन ।

सायद आज ऊ यसरी हिड्दा कसैलाई ठूलो धोका नहुदो हो जुन त्यो समय भएको थियो । स्कूल जानु अघि दाउरा लिन जङ्गल गएकी छोरी घण्टौ नफर्किदा र  जङ्गलमा लडिरहेको डोको देख्दा सायद जङ्गली जनवारले टिपेर खायो होला भन्ने लख काटे सबैले । ऊ भाग्न पनि सक्थि । त्यो त पछि मात्र सोच्न सके जब घरमा लत्ताकपडा र जम्मा परेको खुत्रुकेको पैसा भेटिएन । माथि रमिते गाँउको नाता पर्ने अल्लारे ठीटोसंग भागी थि, ऊ । बाँधिनु नै नहुने नाता थियो त्यो । यत्तिका समय बाउआमा काठमाण्डौ छन भन्दै माया गर्दै श्यामेलाई खान लाउन दिएर पुल्पुल्यार राख्या त्यत्रो,  दरिलो झापड थियो त्यो । सारा गाँउलेले एक अल्लारे केटोलाई त्यसरी घरको भतुवा नबनाउन भन्दा नि बेवस्ता गर्दै दूध भात खुवाएको माथि दरो बेइमानी थियो त्यो । छोरी फकाएर, जालझेल गरी लग्यो भनेर बाउ खालमा त ठूलै चर्काचर्की पर्‍यो । तर जब सायराले नै आफूखुसीको विवाह हो भनेर अदालतमा स्वीकारी तब न माइती बोल्न सके न आफन्त वा गाँउले नै । आफ्ना पाइला अघि सार्दै जाँदा आफ्नो १८ वर्षको उमेरको नमिठो गल्तीमा दुई थोपा आँसु झारी उसले । घर र माइती नजिकै, पानी पधँेरो जाँदा नि भेटिने, बाख्रा चराउन जाँदा नि, आखिर माइतीले उसले गरेको गल्ती भुल्न थाले र स्वीकार्ने इच्छा जगाएँ । घरका पुरुष सिवाय सबै उसलाई खाजा दिन र खर्च दिन थालेका थिए । यिनै बीचमा उसलाई त्यो सम्बन्धबाट छुटाउन हरेक किसिमका प्रयास माइती तर्फबाट भइरहे । त्यो साल उसले एस.एल.सी. पनि दिई । गाँउमा हरेक किसिमका लुटपाट, कुटपिट जस्ता उदण्ड क्रियाकलापमा श्यामेको नाम आउथ्यो एक नम्बरमै । सायराले खान पाएकी थिई, एस.एल.सी. पछिको पढाइ केटाकै बाउआमाको खर्चमा पढ्न पनि पाएकी थिई । यो बीचमा दिदी, आमाले उसलाई केटाका हजारौ अवगुण दर्साउँदै समय रहदा नै छुटिन उत्तेजित गरिरहेँ र अन्तत दुई वर्षको यस्तो जीवन पछि उसले पनि छुटिने निर्णय लिई ।

यस निर्णय पश्चात ऊ माइत नै आई तर पारपाचुकेको निर्णय एकतर्फी रह्यो । केटा पक्षले हर तरहका भाडभैलो गर्न कुनै कसर छोडेनन् । आइमाइ मात्रै भएका घरमा माथिल्लो रोडमा ठूल्ठूलो स्वरमा थम्की दिने, जाड खाएर ग्याङ् लिएर चिच्याउँदै गीत गाउँदै हिड्ने, गाँउभरि तथानाम बोल्दै हिड्ने जस्ता हर किसिमका दुव्र्यवहार देखाइरहे । सायराको सुरक्षा कै लागि घरका कोही न कोही खटिरहनुपर्ने अवस्था थियो । यस बीचमा सायराको पढाइ पनि पूरा हुन लागेको थियो । राम्रो खान र लाउन पाएर ऊ खुशी त थिई तर उसको आत्माबल नराम्ररी डगमगाएको थियो ।

ठिक्क एक वर्ष पूरै लाग्यो डिर्भोस तारत्मय मिलाउन । यस बीचमा पनि हुनसम्म भयो । कति खर्च भयो, बुढी आमा , दिदी कति पटक सदरमुकामको ओहोरदोहोरमा परे, कत्ति पटक श्यामको उदण्डताका कारण त्यो जेल पर्‍यो र यसै मुद्दामा खटिन हिड्दा भानदाई जिप दुर्घटनामा परेर आज पनि सहारा नभई हिंड् डुल गर्न नसक्ने अवस्थाको भा’ छन । आफन्त संग नै कति भनाभैरी भयो र कति सम्बन्धहरुमा उथलपुथल आए । सायरा सोच्दथी कि सब ठीकठाक हुँदै थियो । सोच्दथी कि उसले फेरी पनि आफुले गुमाएको स्थान र माया पाउनेछे । सायद यो सब सोचे जस्तो सजिलो थिएन् । दिन व्यतीत हुँदै गए । घरपरिवारबाट अपेक्षित माया र स्थान त मिल्यो तर त्यो सब आफ्नै छिमेक र आफन्त जनबाट हुन सकेन । तल्लो घरकी काकीकोमा ठूलो सप्ताह पुराण लाग्या थियो । सारा गाउँबाट मान्छे आए । सायरा पनि दिदी र आमासंग पुगी त्यहाँ । सेल हाल्दा हाल्दा आगोले रापिए भनेर ठूलीकान्छीले एकछिन आराम खोजिन । सायराले पीठोमा हातमात्रै के हाल्न खोजेकी थिइन् काकीले च्याप्पै हात समाइ मिल्काइीदइन् । रिसले ओहिरिन, “तँ जन्मिना साथ बाउ बिरामी भएर मर्यो । भिनाजु तँ मै ज्यान दिन खोज्थे ती पनि मरे । तँलाई छुटाउन आमा दिदीले पनि त्यतिकै सास्ती खप्नुपर्‍यो । तेरै निम्ति हिड्दा दाजु लडेर कुजो हुनुपर्‍यो  । अर्काका कुलमा पसिसकेकी त कसरी मेरो काज्र्यमा पस्ने हिम्मत गरिस यो काम पनि बिगार्ने हेतु हो कि तेरो ?” यो गाली सायराले मात्रै सुनीन,  मतान, घर, गोठ र पल्लो छिमेकसम्म चारै दिशामा गुञ्जायमान भयो । यति दुःख खपी छोरीलाई घर ल्याउन पाएको खुशी मनाउँन नपाउँदै यक्ति ठूलो बज्र प्रहार थियो सायराकी आमा माथि त्यो । पूजाको घरमा घमासन भनाभन भयो । वर्तमानको गल्ती माथिको प्रहारलाई प्रतिघात गर्दै सायराकी आमा तल्ला घरे काकीका पुराना गल्ती पर्दाफास गर्न थालिन् । झगडा साम्य पार्ने कोसिसमा सायरा र परिवारलाई गाँउलेले पूजामा नरहन समेत भने पनि । परिवारले उसको गल्तीलाई माफि दिएर जीवन टेकाउ गर्न ठूलो सहारा दिए पनि त्यो दिन काकीको त्यस्तो छुद्रव्यवहारले आफूले पहिले जसरी अस्तित्व र स्थान पाउन नसक्ने पक्का उसको मनमा गड्यो । हुन त अरु बेलै पनि खुलेर कोही पनि बोल्न खोज्दैनथे । त्यसैबाट नै समग्रमा अरुको सोचको पनि मूल्याकंन गर्नसक्नु पर्थ्यो उसले । “आफ्ना निम्ति लड्दा बिचरा दिदी, आमाले छिमेक र आफन्तमै पनि कति दुस्मनी मोलिसके,” सोच्दै हिड्दैथि ऊ । नरे काकाले डिभोर्सलाई धाउँदा खेरी नै भन्थे “डिभोर्स पछि माइत बसेर हुन्न, हुर्केकी छोरी । यतैबाट केटा मिलाउछु । हुन्छ मात्रै भन तँ ।” नभन्दैमा अदालतमै ल्याएर केटाको बाउसंग आमाहरुको भेट गराए । आमा त भडकिदै नै थिइन त्यहाँ केही नबोले पनि । मुद्दाको फैसाला हुँदै जाँदा केटो पनि आयो । जिउडाल मिलेको ब्याच्लर पड्दै गरेको लायकको केटो थियो । केटोले एक दुई पटक सायरासंग भेट्यो, बाउलाई हुन्छ भन्यो र काठमाण्डौ गयो पढाइकालागि । त्यस यता रमेश अङ्कलले नै  सायराका परिवारसंग सम्पर्क बडाउन खोजे, कुरा राख्ने प्रयत्नमा जुटे । दुर्भाग्यवश कोही छोरीको दोस्रो विवाह गराउने पक्षमा थिएनन्, ठूलदिदी, बुवा र दाजु सिवाय । जवान केटो, कन्ये केटी नै पाउदो हो भन्दै केटामा त्रुटि पहिल्याउने जमर्कोमा रहिरहे कान्छी दिदी र आमा । यदि दिदी र आमाले सोचे जस्तै केटामा त्रुटि भएको भए, सायरा आफैलाई पनि यो पटक एउटा खतरा हुन सक्थ्यो र यदि राम्रो भएमा जिन्दगीलाई एक अवसर पनि त हुन सक्थ्यो । अरुले जे जस्तो भने पनि सायरा यि दुवै अवस्थालाइै तयार देखिन्थि । अन्तत केही सीप नलागेसी रमेश अङ्कलले सायरालाई यो मिति र यो समय यसरी हामी तिमीलाई लिन आउने छौ भन्न मात्रै सके ।

सोच्दै हिड्दा ऊ धेरै माथि आइसकेकी थिइ । पछि फर्केर हेर्दा मुस्किलले माइती घरको धुरी देखिनथाल्यो । “अब त रुनको लागि आँसु पनि सकिइसके” सोची उसले । अघि रोडको साइडमा उभिएका रमेश अङ्कल, रेशम र केही आफन्त गाडी सहित देखिए । आमा दिदीले एक आत्मानिर्भर   छोरी बनाउने ध्येयले घर फर्काएको तर आफैले त्यो ध्येयमा पानी फेरे भन्ने सोचेर मन अमिलो पारी । फेरी आफैलाई सान्तवाना पनि दिदै अर्को सोच गरि “जीवनभर उनीहरुलाई आफ्नो सुरक्षाका लागि कहिले सम्म पहरेदार बनाउनु ? फेरी समाज र नातागोतामा आफ्ना लागि लडेर किन बुढेसकालमा दुस्मनी बडाउनु मेरा निम्ति । आखिर बस्नु समाजमै हो र मर्दा पर्दा चाहिने त्यहीका मानिसहरु हुन ।” आफ्नो निर्धो आत्माबल सङ्घेल्दै उसले अन्तिम पटक सोची, “मेरो कम उमेरको गल्तीले  मेरो वर्तमानलाई यति निर्धो बनाइदियो कि घर, समाजबाट टाढा रही आफ्नो पहिचान बनाउन आँट समेत गर्न सकिन । एक गल्तीको साया बाट त पार पाएँ तर पनि फेरी  एक पुरुषकै भर पर्न बाध्य छु, सहारा लिन बाध्य छु । थाहा छैन, आउँदा दिनहरुले के कस्ता मोड दिने हुन जीवनलाई तर हाललाई एक मुठ्ठी भए पनि शान्तिको खोजिमा छु ।” यति सोचिसक्दा आफूलाई साम्य पार्दै ऊ गाडीमा पसी । धूलो छोड्दै गाडी अघि बढ्यो । लाग्छ उडिरहेको र पछि छुटिरहेको धूलो सायराको बिगत हो जुन यो धुलो जस्तै बिस्तारै बिलाएर जानेछ र अघि बढिरहेको गाडी उसको नयाँ यात्रा हो, नयाँ जिन्दगी हो ।

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