I caught the bus from koteshwor after completing my
duty. The month was of December. I felt my cold nose because of cold air that
was brought along by accelerated vehicle. I tied my hair and bound the swarl around my
head and cold nose. Meanwhile I felt comfortable by warmth of the sun on my
head and felt asleep in no time. I was unaware of the time the bus had run
until the conductor poke to wake me up. “Ma’am, where are you climbing down?
Please, make your fees?” I was awaken but I felt I was on bed, unwilling to
reply and go back to sleep. The conductor repeated his word again. With
uneasiness, I rubbed off sleep from my eyes and tended to give fees with my hands
forwarding to him. Again he asked “Ma’am, where have you climbed from?” I felt lost
and unable to answer. I tried hard but could not remember the bus stop I
caught the bus from. The conductor in want of reply was still repeating his
words. Meanwhile I felt the crowd behind me was muttering and making laugh on
me. Not confronting the crowd that was making fun of my forgetfulness I climbed
down the bus near Gausala. By the time I climbed down I remained thankful to the swarl
that was still concealing my image behind it.
There i was in front of Pashupati Bridhashram. I could never confront this place for several years but these days I have been so much habituated to this place and elderly people living here. My kids have been young today who were in lower kinder garden during the demise of mom. Just today, I felt that I was getting weak in my mindset that I forgot my station I caught bus from to reply to an ordinary conductor. Am I following the tract my mom had gone several years back. I felt embarrassed for a whilst. The day was fifteenth of asar when all my colleagues from workplace had decided to feed Dahi Chiura to the elderly people living in Pashupati Briddhashram. I remember those days then. My decision to let her to be in old age home was the hardest for me at that time. I kept on promising every day that I would take her with me and told her to wait. The poor mom might wait when she was alright and fine in her mindset but she even forgot my name and the promise I had made to her when she went in dementia. Sometimes I used to feel it was okay that she forgot me and promise I made to her which I could rarely fulfill though she had survived all these years. But at that time I used to feel how my heart shredded to pieces when she could not remember the only child she had given birth to.
Everything was going alright. I was in 28th of my life. I had never made up in my mind about getting married. I would still let the things it was going. Perhaps if she had also let the things it was at that time, I could have still remained with her in every circumstances that was near to happen. My mom alone got through all the situations in bringing me up. I never saw how my father looked like. Being an uneducated she made all the way that I could complete my higher secondary study. What more was to say than that? Life was getting easier than earlier as I was involving actively to run our lives smoothly but then she urged me to get married. No sooner I got married, became mother of my two daughters. My husband was also getting promoted in his job. My in laws were happy and contented. I could not make account of happiness I was having in my life that moment but was terror equally inside about all those goodness piling one upon another. Was there any disastrous or bad luck about to commence, I remained in suspicion for I could never accept good things happening all around at once. With all going alright I wanted to keep my mother along with me. Just one day a phone that I got at my school made me feel the earth I stood on stamped underneath. In no time I was in the hospital. Seeing mom in the most pathetic condition, I cried all my tears out. It was many days she had not eaten, was confused and slept for hours and hours. The doctor diagnosed dementia which had early onset in her middle adulthood and was advancing to severity. I could not remember apparently but people used to say that she was mentally distressed after my cousins made us deprived of father’s property. At home I was never accepted as grandchild as marriage of my parents was never approved marriage by grandparents. People said that this affected like nothing to my mom. I could merely notice in her behavior those days like she complained of headache most of time, often forgot her belongings, confuse herself with places and ways she had been once familiar. She even forgot debts and appeared weak in her dealings. I hardly believe her and took all dealings under my responsibility. I had to speak single words many times as she could not collaborate between her hearing and understanding vividly. Sometimes together we used to laugh at this but when I went off in mood I used to chide and warn her to be careful with the words. When I realized that day that it was consequences of some medical condition she was passing through, I felt even more pity for her and frustrated in my mind.
She remained with me that day onward until she escaped one day. It was difficult to deal with her as she forgot people most of the times and spoke out things that gave no meaning and beyond the grasp of one's understanding. Three days later we found her with a beggar sharing leftovers street food. She hardly remembered me that day also. I kept on yelling at top of my voice; "I am Radhika. Yours daughter. Please remember me” After this incident my in laws discarded of her stay with me and told me to keep her in age care centers under supervision and care. I always used to think about reasons people deserting their parents in age care. For some it was because of lack of time, distances or adjustment problems with others in a family. In my case, it happened because I was a woman, married in addition and had responsibilty of my children and family which was much bigger than caring a demented mother as per perspective of my in laws. She was unaware that we had brought her to an unusual place but she was denying to leave my hand. With tears floating in my eyes that was blurring my vision, I unfasten her hand and spoke ‘ Mom, you have to stay here for several days until I made your old age citizenship card for pension. I have to travel several days to our hometown. Will you remain patiently till then?” She spoke nothing but people said that she cried the whole day she knew she was brought to old age home. Upon request, she was cared about fooding and medications for several days during her adjustments. People even said she remained quite for most of the hours but when she was aware to her conscience she talked only about me. She even said that one day I would take her away with me. She used to wait me in the entrance for the chicken curry and rice I used to bring her every Saturday. She would snatch away bag and used to tell me infuriated that I was late for that day. I used to gaze at her eating restlessly. When I didn’t used to find her in the gate some of the Saturdays, I used to confirm myself that she might be sleeping or forgotten that it was Saturday. She used to keep eatables that kids liked that she used to get from donors. As she was aware of her forgetfulness, she had even told another women in her compartment to remind her or to give those eatables to kids. Really it is only a heart of mother that knows love, treasures love and my mom did that in little bit of conscience she was left with. Alas! "I roll up in tears recalling this". She stayed for three years and until then I had no count of how restive I went waiting for every Saturday.
Elderly were free to come in and out of Pashupati Briddhashram. There were no separate compartments for people with various physical and mental disabilities. Compartments were separated gender wise only and care of disables was done by caretaker. Again one day missing news of mom from the old age stressed me nothing like everything. I could not put off my hope as we found her earlier after three days of missing. Mom had never been outside in that time long but one elderly woman insisted her for getting out to sell things granted by donors in order to make money. She also could not make account of where she went and for what time being they were together. I went to every street beggars on the pedestrian to find if i would find her again eating wastes like earlier. All attempts went in vain. I didn’t return home for several days. I was anxious thinking how hungry she had become, whether or not she knew even once that she was lost and needed to return back. Four days later we came to know about death of mom in road accident near Soyambhu via registered missing complain. I can't accept even today that she had the worst death; disfigured face hard to recognize and bloody and filthy appearance all over her body. That incident got imprinted so hard in my memory that it took several years to cast aside this nightmare like memory. But I feel for now that I overcame all the pains I endured that moment. Just one thing that remained till this date is the guilt that I could only leave her alone in her circumstances and her endurance for it. Those days and today also girls get close to every opportunity; they study, engage in outdoor jobs but after getting married we still get to see that situations or people compel them for a limited boundaries in their life with limited people encircled around them. May she not be confined to share love and concerns she feels she is privileged to share with. And may she not be again left with choice of choosing between two life or people and love for her ones that has no measure! Moreover, demented people also need our love and concerns. These days it has not been necessity to wait for older age to see people going demented. As life is full of desires, hopes, frustration, impatience and a complete race for more this onset is in early 40's these days.The love that we shower to these people should be hope and inspiration to fight dementia and sustain in their life in days to come.
Today when I see these elderly people gobbling food with so much cheerfulness, I feel I am paving way out of this grief and guilt I feel for my mom. I feel i will relate my happiness with theirs' like this forever. "Whether or not you remembered me in your last breath "Mom" but I as a loving but a compelled daughter under own will always remember you until my last breath".
There i was in front of Pashupati Bridhashram. I could never confront this place for several years but these days I have been so much habituated to this place and elderly people living here. My kids have been young today who were in lower kinder garden during the demise of mom. Just today, I felt that I was getting weak in my mindset that I forgot my station I caught bus from to reply to an ordinary conductor. Am I following the tract my mom had gone several years back. I felt embarrassed for a whilst. The day was fifteenth of asar when all my colleagues from workplace had decided to feed Dahi Chiura to the elderly people living in Pashupati Briddhashram. I remember those days then. My decision to let her to be in old age home was the hardest for me at that time. I kept on promising every day that I would take her with me and told her to wait. The poor mom might wait when she was alright and fine in her mindset but she even forgot my name and the promise I had made to her when she went in dementia. Sometimes I used to feel it was okay that she forgot me and promise I made to her which I could rarely fulfill though she had survived all these years. But at that time I used to feel how my heart shredded to pieces when she could not remember the only child she had given birth to.
Everything was going alright. I was in 28th of my life. I had never made up in my mind about getting married. I would still let the things it was going. Perhaps if she had also let the things it was at that time, I could have still remained with her in every circumstances that was near to happen. My mom alone got through all the situations in bringing me up. I never saw how my father looked like. Being an uneducated she made all the way that I could complete my higher secondary study. What more was to say than that? Life was getting easier than earlier as I was involving actively to run our lives smoothly but then she urged me to get married. No sooner I got married, became mother of my two daughters. My husband was also getting promoted in his job. My in laws were happy and contented. I could not make account of happiness I was having in my life that moment but was terror equally inside about all those goodness piling one upon another. Was there any disastrous or bad luck about to commence, I remained in suspicion for I could never accept good things happening all around at once. With all going alright I wanted to keep my mother along with me. Just one day a phone that I got at my school made me feel the earth I stood on stamped underneath. In no time I was in the hospital. Seeing mom in the most pathetic condition, I cried all my tears out. It was many days she had not eaten, was confused and slept for hours and hours. The doctor diagnosed dementia which had early onset in her middle adulthood and was advancing to severity. I could not remember apparently but people used to say that she was mentally distressed after my cousins made us deprived of father’s property. At home I was never accepted as grandchild as marriage of my parents was never approved marriage by grandparents. People said that this affected like nothing to my mom. I could merely notice in her behavior those days like she complained of headache most of time, often forgot her belongings, confuse herself with places and ways she had been once familiar. She even forgot debts and appeared weak in her dealings. I hardly believe her and took all dealings under my responsibility. I had to speak single words many times as she could not collaborate between her hearing and understanding vividly. Sometimes together we used to laugh at this but when I went off in mood I used to chide and warn her to be careful with the words. When I realized that day that it was consequences of some medical condition she was passing through, I felt even more pity for her and frustrated in my mind.
She remained with me that day onward until she escaped one day. It was difficult to deal with her as she forgot people most of the times and spoke out things that gave no meaning and beyond the grasp of one's understanding. Three days later we found her with a beggar sharing leftovers street food. She hardly remembered me that day also. I kept on yelling at top of my voice; "I am Radhika. Yours daughter. Please remember me” After this incident my in laws discarded of her stay with me and told me to keep her in age care centers under supervision and care. I always used to think about reasons people deserting their parents in age care. For some it was because of lack of time, distances or adjustment problems with others in a family. In my case, it happened because I was a woman, married in addition and had responsibilty of my children and family which was much bigger than caring a demented mother as per perspective of my in laws. She was unaware that we had brought her to an unusual place but she was denying to leave my hand. With tears floating in my eyes that was blurring my vision, I unfasten her hand and spoke ‘ Mom, you have to stay here for several days until I made your old age citizenship card for pension. I have to travel several days to our hometown. Will you remain patiently till then?” She spoke nothing but people said that she cried the whole day she knew she was brought to old age home. Upon request, she was cared about fooding and medications for several days during her adjustments. People even said she remained quite for most of the hours but when she was aware to her conscience she talked only about me. She even said that one day I would take her away with me. She used to wait me in the entrance for the chicken curry and rice I used to bring her every Saturday. She would snatch away bag and used to tell me infuriated that I was late for that day. I used to gaze at her eating restlessly. When I didn’t used to find her in the gate some of the Saturdays, I used to confirm myself that she might be sleeping or forgotten that it was Saturday. She used to keep eatables that kids liked that she used to get from donors. As she was aware of her forgetfulness, she had even told another women in her compartment to remind her or to give those eatables to kids. Really it is only a heart of mother that knows love, treasures love and my mom did that in little bit of conscience she was left with. Alas! "I roll up in tears recalling this". She stayed for three years and until then I had no count of how restive I went waiting for every Saturday.
Elderly were free to come in and out of Pashupati Briddhashram. There were no separate compartments for people with various physical and mental disabilities. Compartments were separated gender wise only and care of disables was done by caretaker. Again one day missing news of mom from the old age stressed me nothing like everything. I could not put off my hope as we found her earlier after three days of missing. Mom had never been outside in that time long but one elderly woman insisted her for getting out to sell things granted by donors in order to make money. She also could not make account of where she went and for what time being they were together. I went to every street beggars on the pedestrian to find if i would find her again eating wastes like earlier. All attempts went in vain. I didn’t return home for several days. I was anxious thinking how hungry she had become, whether or not she knew even once that she was lost and needed to return back. Four days later we came to know about death of mom in road accident near Soyambhu via registered missing complain. I can't accept even today that she had the worst death; disfigured face hard to recognize and bloody and filthy appearance all over her body. That incident got imprinted so hard in my memory that it took several years to cast aside this nightmare like memory. But I feel for now that I overcame all the pains I endured that moment. Just one thing that remained till this date is the guilt that I could only leave her alone in her circumstances and her endurance for it. Those days and today also girls get close to every opportunity; they study, engage in outdoor jobs but after getting married we still get to see that situations or people compel them for a limited boundaries in their life with limited people encircled around them. May she not be confined to share love and concerns she feels she is privileged to share with. And may she not be again left with choice of choosing between two life or people and love for her ones that has no measure! Moreover, demented people also need our love and concerns. These days it has not been necessity to wait for older age to see people going demented. As life is full of desires, hopes, frustration, impatience and a complete race for more this onset is in early 40's these days.The love that we shower to these people should be hope and inspiration to fight dementia and sustain in their life in days to come.
Today when I see these elderly people gobbling food with so much cheerfulness, I feel I am paving way out of this grief and guilt I feel for my mom. I feel i will relate my happiness with theirs' like this forever. "Whether or not you remembered me in your last breath "Mom" but I as a loving but a compelled daughter under own will always remember you until my last breath".
Worth reading......
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